BASARA

  鉴于NIKI姐老不上线，今天我还是用中文吧。

  回来是回来了，可惜事情并不像想象中那么简单。每天除了投投简历，看看书、电影，玩玩游戏外，并无太多重要的事，可能过些日子偶尔会跑出去面下试。把去年拉下的书和奥斯卡获奖影片都看完了，《素年锦时》，《拉片子》，《放下爱》；老无所依，理发师陶德等等。

  波澜不惊的日子，过得可真是越来越没激情了……

  断电，心烦，12点后什么也做不了。回来快一个星期了，每天晚上在床上翻来翻去的，睡不着，行乐落下的病根。不过终于，今天第一次能在早上起床了，这也许是个好的开始。

  平时，白天，宿舍里的人并不多，各奔东西，积极的投入他们生命中的下一个阶段，可能有的人不太积极，但也义无反顾地走了。

  想起似非而是十大戒律——

  “这是一个疯狂的世界”

  “如果你你能找到生命的意义，而不需要世界的掌声，那你就获得了自由”

  戒律背不下来，记得最清楚就这两句话了。

  这是初中就知道的，可以说是世界观的启蒙吧，现在的想法可能与孩提时有区别，不过主体上还是一致的。

  可能就因为这样，我才喜欢和NIKI姐交流，毕竟，将近30的人，辞掉工作，到异国打工不是很容易就能做出的决定，不管NIKI的出发点是什么。现在在找工作时，我总在想，如果NIKI都能那样，我又何必这样？

  大家都说人生是场戏，可惜这场戏太缺乏戏剧张力，至少我目前是这样。有太多故事的人们，觉得辛苦以至于不可承受之重，而做为旁观者的我或我们（如果我有同志的话），却羡慕而又向往。

  NIKI说她又找到爱情了，这一个月，也许她已经为她的果断抉择收获了不少~而我以后会怎么样呢？

  城市，大企业就是一架庞大的机器，作为一个零件，即使每天有人给你擦得亮到耀眼，也始终是一个零件。不能有所创造，大概是没有生命力的吧。

  给孙女的话，看哲学类的书不能得到什么所谓的力量，书里都是作者的观点，很多时候反而会影响自己的想法，即容易动摇。所以，看看罢了。

  戏剧张力……哎，就先这样吧。

 

  Return to Beijing, feeling not bad. It might be enough time in Beijing, so I use the word "return".

  For some friends on MSN, Niki, Peter, Bobby, Topcats and so on, I miss each of you so so so much!!!

  I'm sorry I havn't been on for nearly a month, and there's pivotal reason, the speed of Internet transmission is so slow that I couldn't sign in, it isn't I don't want to. Ar, that maked me crazy.

  Now I am just packing up my baggage, again in Beijing, my life will return the manner when I leave, there's might be a little differance, but at least, I can write my diary as before.

  Then, everythings will be started tomorrow, now, let me just have a rest after the air journey.

  Kopis
  Catching cold is not one of comfy things, and so far, it last three days. Of course I always have medicine, but this seems to be trashy. This morning, I found things more terrible. It's a flu, not only I catch cold, the same are any other people, and it's not few.
  The most important test will start after three days, so, there's many caterwauling around the student rooming house. Also in my mind, it's "seemly" time the flu come... this morning I got up not late, and went to some rooms to see hou about others. It's funny, friends got up looks languid, and others on the bed looks paintful. I can say that everyone are worrying  about the test.
  I think I should be the one not too bad, leastways, I can get up easily, although the head is little paintful. Yesterday night, when I was on the bed, I suddenly found that this state is helpful for my writing, but not fit to other courses, such as Politics and English. Everything has different aspect effect, like kopis.
  In fact, I seldom go to hospital while getting ill, I dislike the hospital, it makes people coming and dying out at the same time. Anyhow it's a complicated place in my mind.
  Ar...Since this morning, my feel my states of the illness is becoming worse, I think I should go to the school hospital this afternoon.

  Cost
  I caught a little cold in recent days, feeling tired all the time, especially my neck and waist, the headache, like a fly, there's buzz around my ears, ar...I can't do everything calmly, everything!
  The reason cause that might be I wrote a play book through night two days ago, there was inspration at that moment, then that night is changed into a play book more than ten thousand characters long, and also, the headache and feeling uncomfortable...
  Lie on the bed, I got the idea that I have no right to complain. In the world, there's nothing come  with no cost, you get commodity by money, get money by laboring, get love by giving love, get harm by giving harm. That's the order of the world. Oh, by the way, I don't like the order eastablished by human, but respact the order of the world. The real hypostatic man should pay the cost leaded by things he's done, I think, but that's easy to say, hard to do it. In my eyes, at least, more than half of the people can not accept the cost they should do completely, people around me, also myself, are similar. Every time I complain first.
  Is it nature of human? escapes by the light of nature? Might be, but, that's really sad.

  Dream

  I went out to have a dinner with my friend. Ah...these days, i feel it undescribable uneasy, in the serious time, everyone sprint, for their unclear target. there's someone told me that he wanna go to play, but feel not right, just because he have to pay the time to study for the graduate student test... studying last so much time, why it's opposite the target become unclear? Some how, isn't it right that we should study for life, not for the test? In my mind, when it's time for game, for get out, for love, it shoud not be studying right along, because we are students, but human in the first. Also, someone told me they can't today, wait till the test is over. Ar... how much time can we use for waiting?

  In the end of a year, students are busy for test, workers are busy for year-end balance, I am really happy that someone have dinner with me.

  Say about that, I asked the firend is there a world looks like what I imagine? It's freedom, everyone can do what they like, of cousre there's rule, the rule is just people in the world recognize what're nice. There's no conceding, things may not go logically, but naturally. There's no discrimnating, everyone is au pair. The world may not be abundant materially, but abundant mentally. And also many aspact...

  There may not be such a world now, but can we creat? However it's small, like a company, like a staff, like a department, there're only ten person... can we just creat it , and keep it, make it comfortable, the only thing I want is a state of life, that's enough.

  I think it will be the last time I escape, before long, I must decide the way I will follow. Wether or not, I would like to pursue my only dream, never to think how difficult to stride the first step and how unpractical it is.

  Maybe I will find out many years later, or, that's only a perfect dream in one of the countless night.